Hold on to your hard hats, this post is pretty bumpy…
And it’s late, I know, but I’m turning into a Shaman here, cut me some slack.
Did you laugh? Yeah, I’m not entirely sure I’m joking anymore. See, it’s kind of been a running thing for me this past year to toss off that Shaman thing every time someone looks at me with that tired, old ‘you’re sick again?’ expression. Some of them have said it to my face.
“It’s always something with you, isn’t it?”
Or my personal favorite: “You’re a hypochondriac.”
That may be, but even a broken clock is right twice a day, and the people in my life have seen me, face to face, in real time. In actuality.
They’ve told me I look like a zombie. They told me I was pale. They thought I was pregnant because my abdomen had become so swollen. They’ve seen me in tears because something hurt too badly to stand up straight. They’ve seen me lose my breath as some cramp or another tears through me. I’ve lost consciousness from headaches.
All the doctors say I’m fine. And, since I don’t have medical insurance and had to pay them out of pocket, I’m going to have to agree with them. I can’t afford to not take their ‘No’ for an answer, anymore.
I used to live overseas, in a country where old traditions still thrived. The scientist in me even understood some of the hoo-doo that was done. Endorphins are a powerful thing, herbs truly do have healing properties, and I’ve seen miracles occur after proper nutrition was introduced to a sickly body.
I did what any other, terrified, poor woman would do in that situation. I changed my diet. I turned to an all-soup diet, in fact, and it worked wonders. No, it wasn’t cabbage, either—I now have nearly a hundred soup recipes that I’m putting together into my own little Book of Shadows/Cookbook thing.
Noticed the Book of Shadows thing? Well, as would any other terrified, poor woman in my situation, I turned to more holistic treatments. Nutrition and herbal teas, meditation, warm baths…and a lot of research.
Look up strange symptoms and you’ll notice a pattern (I suppose. I mean, IDK, maybe it’s not your path?) I kept find posts on Shamanistic practices. I don’t feel like a Shaman, though. I don’t feel like a Reiki healer, a witch doctor, a medicine man… Then I looked up so many recipes that I started looking at kitchen witches…and witchcraft in general. But I’m not really a witch (long line of uncanny ancestors, but I don’t feel witchy enough to call myself a witch). Look through a few of the posts on this site and you’ll see references to the feminine divine. Goddesses. That came up a lot, too.
But I was still sick, just managing it better than I had in 2016, a year I’m convinced I almost died in. I was sick, really sick, and my doctor gave me a card for a psychologist. I’m not the only woman this has happened too. We have some ‘mysterious illness’ that must be in our head. My thyroid tested way high once. But that couldn’t be it. Heart palpitations were in my imagination, in spite of the fact that I almost passed out. (That’s probably hormonal, BTW. Apparently, lots of women have the same ‘mysterious illness’ which suggests…I dunno, mass hysteria?).
But I started reading, and really paying attention, to the Shaman stuff. I still don’t think that’s what’s happening with me, but I definitely feel like something is trying to tell me something. In fact, sometimes something does tell me something—like a random, powerful thought of a female snake. I look up female snake, and lo and behold—tons of stuff I’d never even heard about. In a lot of cultures, the Mother Goddess is represented by snakes in some way.
And before I learned that, I kept think of an ouroboros, for some reason.
I started relaxing in a full bath. It’s nice, it makes me feel good and helps my stomach stop hurting. Thoughts just come to me then, and every time I look up whatever I thought of in the bath, I find a tremendous amount of info on it. Things I never knew, things I’ve never heard of. Mythology from other cultures I had never studied. I’ve been visited by foxes, I literally see them everywhere now, and owls. Various insects…and it’s winter. Random knowledge, visions of Anubis, my own brain whispering don’t be scared (or is it?), waking in the middle of the night, music, bells. I have chest pain, and when that happens, someone I know has a heart attack, or is diagnosed with heart disease. That last symptom is most unpleasant.
So what is happening? I spied a yoga class on a flyer and thought I should do that. Then, in the bath, I had a vision of a snake unwinding up my spine, stretching and healing me as it went. I hadn’t heard of kundalini yoga until I saw that flyer, I certainly had no idea that it featured snake symbolism or that the energy was considered by many to be feminine.
So what does it mean?
Either I really do need that psychologist, or I’m meeting the feminine divine. I’m finding Her, the Mother, the Goddess, The Maiden, the Crone…I don’t know. Her.
The other day, my father said something about the ‘Man Upstairs’ and I immediately said, ‘why do you think it’s a man?’
And the question felt right.
Here we are, in the middle of a new feminist revolution. Women are finding their voices and their power, or remembering that we’ve wielded power all along and we just let men borrow it. We are standing up to be heard and stepping up to lead and guide and teach. I think the goddesses are driving us, and I think they’re pleased. They’re excited that they will finally get to return to their positions, so many centuries after men pushed them out. And the Creator must be happy too, as balance will be restored when women have become equal.
It’s the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, you know. Into the new, the next evolution.
My evolution began two years ago, and it hurt. Our evolution, the female evolution, began centuries ago, and it hurt. Women have been hurt, but we can heal.
I think the Mother, the Goddess, HER, is pushing us forward, telling us to be strong in the way only women can be and take our rightful place in society. I think she’s speaking to me about embracing my own strength, my true self, about becoming a person worthy of the next phase of humanity, and I’m trying.
I, for one, will be embracing Her, whether that makes me crazy, or not.